Here's what this bitch-ass, trick-ass little disgrace SHOULD have said in his press conference today...

Thank you everybody for coming today. I have a statement that I would like to read. As all of you know, I did not accompany my unit for deployment to fight in Iraq. First I told you guys that I believed the war was illegal and that's why I was confined to base, hanging around headquarters like a Two-Dollar basehead waiting for a trick. But today I would like to tell you the truth. And the truth is...I'm a just a little biatch. I'm literally and figuratively a YELLOW coward. You may find it ironic that a asian man is calling himself 'yellow' but it's a double-entrende, since my back is as yellow as Benedict Arnold's.

Yes, I refused to go to Iraq with my platoon of soldiers that counted on me for my leadership. And yes I admit I accepted a commission and I accepted a promotion to 1st LT, and I accepted a posting to a infantry, combat unit. But that doesn't mean shit to a back-slider like myself. I know now that I should have never joined a profession that uses words like Duty, Honor, Country. I mean, do they use words like that in like, you know, regular jobs? I don't think so. And I do not appreciate being called names like punk, pogue, trick, pillow-biter, traitor, mark, rat-bastard, shithouse lawyer, bitch-ass punk, trick-ass mark, fucking goddamn rat bastard or any other combination thereof. I mean grow the hell up people. I have to look out for all the rest of the Army, all 99.9% of them that have not realized the truth like I have. This whole Army, guns, death business in the Middle East is not what I signed up for. The daily reports of carnage and mayhem in Iraq is exactly the kind of stuff that I can change, back here in the rear, with the gear-so to speak. You can be I intend to disgrace err...speak-out on the illegal war out there. I am going to fight this court-martial as hard as my former platoon is probably fighting in Iraq. Thank you.

The highest view count on YouTube is this shit?

14 million views and counting for this video. WTF

-Ta is this real or not?

Pic of the day Feb 6th

Is this some crazy shit or what? This motherfucker deserves anything he wants

I don't even have words to describe this story. Pretty funny too.


Subject: Letter from the Afghan Front
2/4/2007 12:21:05 AM

Hi everyone.

I'm still alive but freezing my tail off. We got 8 inches of snow last week and it reached 5 degrees below zero that night. That's not why I'm e-mailing though.
You may have heard about a suicide car bomb attack in Kabul last Thursday. It was at one of our FOB's (Forward Observation Bases) about 27 miles from here.
But the real story is why no one was killed.
We employ several thousand Afghans on our various bases. Not to mention the economy that is fed by the money these locals are making. Some are laborers and builders, but some are skilled workers. We even have one Afghan that just became OSHA qualified, the first ever. Some are skilled HVAC workers.
Anyway, there is this one Afghan that we call Rambo. We have actually given him a couple of sets of the new ACU uniforms (the new Army digital camouflage) with the name tag RAMBO on it. His entire family was killed by the Taliban and his home was where our base currently resides. So this guy really had nowhere else to go. He has reached such a level of trust with US Forces that his job is to stand at the front gate and basically be the first security screening. Since he can't have a weapon, he found a big red pipe. So he stands there at the front gate in his US Army ACU uniform with his red pipe. If a vehicle approaches the gate too fast or fails to stop he slams his pipe down on their hood. Then once the gate is lifted the vehicle moves on the 2nd gate where the US Army MP's are. So he's like the first line of defense. Last Thursday at 0930 hrs a Toyota Corolla packed with explosives and some Jack Ass that thinks he has 72 Virgins waiting for him approached the gate.
When he saw Rambo he must have recognized him and known the gig was up.
But he needed to get to that 2nd gate to detonate and take American
lives. So he slams his foot on the gas which almost causes the metal gate to go up but mostly catches on the now broken windshield. Rambo fearlessly ran to the vehicle, reached thru the window and jerked the suicide bomber out of the vehicle before he could detonate and commenced to putting some red pipe to his
heathen ass.
He detained the guy until the MP got there.
The vehicle only exploded when they tried to push it off base with a robot but know one was hurt.
I'm still waiting for someone to give this guy a medal or something. Nothing less than instant US citizenship or something. A hat was passed around and a lot of money was given to him in thanks by both soldiers and
civilians that are working over here. I guess I just wanted to share this because I want people to know that it's working over here. They have tasted freedom. This makes it worth it to me.

JOHN, CPT , US ARMY

Afghanstan is a place that many of us could only imagine in our dreams. Alot of good is being done over there. I hope that Rambo is taken care of.

I know this is out of left field but...Why the fuck is The Gap fucking slipping?

Aight beeyotches, I ain't no fashion plate by any means. The last time I went shopping for clothes was for a funeral. I ain't no metro-sexual wussy and I ain't no asian wankster. But there is some shit that bothers the fuck outta me and thats the crazy shit going on with the Gap right now. It seems like the 50th fucking executive has bolted from that motherfucker in 3 months. Gap's been around since I was a kid, shit, my entire fucking family is clad in Gap, Old Navy and Banana. I'd be walking around buck ass nekkid if it wasn't for them. Shit was cheap, looked fine and the fucking stores were everywhere. And earlier in 2000 they were fucking legit, their ads made you feel good about wearing Gap shit like these:






Looking at that shit now, it is fucking obvious that Apple has stolen Gap's fucking mojo. First it was that 'Think Different' campaign, remember?



How different was Apple thinking when Gap was running shit like this already at the same time:


Apple's blowing the fuck up with their iPod ads:


But do you remember these Gap ads:

They are just Gap ads in black silhouette!

Same demographic, same target audiences, Apple took that fucking mojo quick style and are fucking raking in the $crill.
Gap better get off its ass. Cheap motherfuckers like me need their quasi-upper-middle-class cachet to not appear to be the cheapskate that I am. Where the hell am I going to get 3packs of seasonal boxers for less than $10? Fucking Wal-Mart? Get your shit together Gap: Azn motherfuckers are counting on you.

Super Bowl thoughts from the Nghiemesis

Some of my thoughts from the Super Bowl:

-All I wanted to do was watch and see what Prince did. So I did not even turn on the TV all day until 2-3 minutes before halftime.

• Fireworks start popping off at the stadium. My daughter looks up from her dolls and asks whats going on. I tell her that Prince is coming on. She then asks "..if he's the prince then where's his crown?" Damn kids...I don't answer her.
• The show handlers unleash the 'crowd' to rush the stage. This sweating mass of humanity have about 100 ft to run across until they make it to the stage. One camera shows a delirious middle aged white chick rushing past. Uhhh...c'mon beeyotch, this shows gonna last 10 minutes then your ass is gonna be escorted straight to the Joe Robbie Stadium loading docks where they will 'release the hounds ' in five minutes unless your ticket-less ass gets the fuck on out. Is your life so devoid of joy that this glimpse of Prince's crotch is worth that?
  
• There are two of Prince's hoes dancing around him starting with the opening song of 'Let's Go Crazy". They are dressed in black, puffy, boa-like jackets and black pirate, thigh boots. They are dancing WAAAAAAYYYYYYY too close to Prince. Even dancing in front of him. WTF? And they dancing not all sensous and sexual like Princes hoes usually do, they are dancing all Tina Turner crazy and shit, like they are at church, getting possessed by the Holy Spirit or some shit at the afternoon service of the Airport Boulevard First Church of the Savior. Then there's some other black bitch hanging off to the side, dressed in a white cat-suit with a fucked up round topped helmet, singing back-up, gyrating by herself. Whose fucking idea was those three beeyotches? When the fuck did Prince need a back-up singer?
  
• Prince plays some shit I don't know in the middle of the set. A marching band comes out. This really piques my daughters interest especially when those fools start glowing in the dark. She's all up in it now. I hope Prince doesn't do some crazy shit and then I got to lie to my daughter to cover it up.
  
• Then Prince changes guitars to the one pictured, I know that the last song is coming-which one is it? Purple Rain. He starts tearing it up on the guitar. The stupid dancers disappear. Prince is where he should be, by himself onstage-unless he's got some nekkid chicks thrusting their breastes and/or crotches up on him like the old days. Today is not that day. But this makes it all worth it. He tears that biatch up and shows everyone why he's the fucking Man.
• When he's done with the song what does he do with the guitar? Ta if you don't know your a biotch.
• Aight, the last part saved the entire set for Prince. And the games still sucked donkey scrotum, just like I thought. See ya next year beeyotches.
  

The NBA has got to get off of DuhWayne Wade's testicles

Watching the Super Bowl in Miami today, it reminded me of a rant I wanted to get of my chest:

First watch these three videos courtesy of YouTube:


AND

AND


Here are my thoughts on this bullshit:

• What.The.Fuck
• I don't remember falling asleep for 4 years and waking up to find out that DWAYNE FUCKING WADE has given the status of 'Untouchable' in the NBA.
• The examples here are nothing compared to the shit that went on in the NBA Finals last year. If I was Mark Cuban, I'd hire a fucking straight platoon of pipehitting, former Spec Ops dudes to fucking kidnap Wade and go to work with a 'blowtorch and a pair of pliers'
• If it wasn't so blatant, it wouldn't be too bad. I mean, even the greatests players got away with shit now and then. But Wade's nut riding is ridiculous. How long has he been in the league? 3-4 years? WTF? He's getting calls that HoFers could only get.
  
• Even motherfuckers over at ESPN are tripping the manlove that Wade's getting. This excerpt is from a chat log with columnist Chris Sheridan:
  

Oliver ( NY):
Isn't it great to be able to make 9 FG and get 41 PTS? I LOVE THIS GAME!!! I wish Kobe would get even half the calls Wade gets. MJ's greatness was aided by "superstar" calls or no calls, sorry, but Kobe gets half the treatment of a wade or Lebron, why?

Chris Sheridan:
You're preaching to the choir here, Oliver. every single night D-Wade gets three gift whistles (which even LeBron and Kobe don't get) at a minimum, and one or two late whistles, too. He's treated as preferrentially as Jordan was at the peak of his game, and it is infuriating to watch (unless you're a Heat fan). And I say all that being one of the biggest D-Wade guys around, a Marquette grad even. But it's just plain unfair to see one guy get such special treatment. It takes away from the game.

• I can't watch Heat games anymore, because whenever there's a whistle, 10 to 1 it's Wade getting fouled.
  
• Hey Wade, you have been added to the "I'm A Beeyotch!!" list.
  

Uhhh the Truth hurts...like a overstretched g-string on a fat bitch

Man, I don't know where to start here...

• The good thing is that is you stay exclusively in a urban area, say San Francisco or New York, you have a good chance of seeing freaks like the one on the left-white, black, asians, any race of the finest, female flesh in the world.
  
• The sad thing is, you only have to drive a couple miles outside San Francisco into Marin and the East Bay to start seeing gastropods like the one on the right. Even worse, you know how the Earth is covered 70% by water? Well, in of 95% America, your chances of being struck blind by gelatinous, quivering, jiggling, flabby fat chicks are 5 to 1. For you non-gamblers those aren't good odds.
  
• I know there are hot chicks in America. The problem is that many of them only have a small window of hot-ness in their lives. For some it might last only one, two years in high school or college, for others? Maybe it last long enough for them to land a husband but that's a double edged sword because thats also the same period of time when they'll get impregnated, thus ending the hot-ness period prematurely. For others it never comes, the hot-ness period short-circuited by fast food, canned meat, epic spam binges, midnight baloney/jelley sandwiches and so forth. For some they parley the hot-ness period in a career in movies. For the rest of the world's females? Their...uhhh normal human beings.
• Do they even sell thong underwear in that size? Who the fuck would manufacture a thong in that size? What evil motherfucker would do such a thing? It's a goddamn crime against humanity, God and the fucking Queen. Were a bunch of designers sitting around in a room in Shitlick, Kansas allocating thong underwear to Wal-Mart, Target or Costco and said to themselves "We're not serving the fat demographic! Get the designers in here! We need a line of size XL thru XXXXL thong underwear stat!"
  

Pic of the Day Feb 1st

I don't know who's girl this but I got two words:

PERFECT GIRLFRIEND

The Purple One...will live forever

Since the Superbowl is upon us, its time to talk halftime entertainment obviously, because the game is going to suck the sweat off a donkey's scrotum. This year Prince will be performing. Everyone has their impressions of Prince:
Androgenous She-man

Jheri-curled-Lace Be-decked charlatan

Nevertheless, true motherfuckers know that Prince is one of the biggest pimps/guitarists/artists in the last 20 years of music. I don't think anyone will deny that the motherfucker has got nine-lives like freaking cat. You don't start recording back in the 70s and still be relevent almost 30 years later. And no one doubts Prince's hedonistic lifestyle, his straight craziness-just look at the motherfucker, he's liable to lick you up the side of face or give you the stinkeye with his freakish eyes and perfectly trimmed facial hair. David Chappelle and Charlie Murphy did a sketch about crazy Prince from the 80s. Don't pull a muscle laughing.