Wild Grizzly bears are our friends...until they ate me.

I'm sure all of you out there seen or heard the story about Timothy Treadwell, AKA the Grizzly Man. He and his girlfriend were killed in a bear attack in 2003. He was a ex-drug addict who decided to watch the bears in Alaska. He ended up doing it for 13 years, writing books about his experience and was the subject of a film documentary. He was a guest on talk shows and started a website about protecting bears. This all sounds tragically ironic right?

BUT...(you knew there was a 'But' right?)

I have to say I was laughing my ASS off reading about this moron and his TIMELY demise.

Kevin Sanders, a naturalist and guide, wrote up a great recap of the probable last moments of this fools misguided life here. Its great reading and you'll be laughing your ass off in no time.

Anyway back to the story:

This fool was a fucking idiot of the HIGHEST order. He was not a trained scientist, biologist, zoologist or ecologist. After ODing on drugs in the 90s, he started going to Alaska. Having no formal scientific training, all he did was hang out with the bears. That's it. Oh he said he was 'protecting' them from poachers and hunters. So what did the poor bears do when you weren't there the other 8 months out of the year asshole? He worked as a fucking bartender who saved his money all year to go to Alaska to see these bears. He was just a hippie who decided that HE was going to protect the grizzlies, that HE was an eco-warrior, that HE understood these wild animals. He broke every single tenet, rule, protocol, fucking everything, when he was around wild animals, especially these huge, omnivorous predators. The list of idiot shit this guy did boggles the mind and makes you think "It took the bears 13 years to kill this dumb fuck?" That says more about the bear's tolerance of human beings than it does about Treadwell's 'methods'.

-He stopped carrying bear spray with him several years ago. A friend later said that "He just felt that was an invasive, aggressive mechanism that translated into a kind of attitude. He didn't want to have that attitude." Yeah buddy, I think bear spray would have helped when the bear was gnawing on your fucking head huh?
-He anthropomorphized the bears, giving them names, comparing their behavior to human equivalents. One bear he named "Ollie, the big old grumpy bear". Treadwell didn't like this bear because it had fought another female bear(sow) that Treadwell did like. Some remains of Treadwell and his idiot girlfriend were found in the stomach of a 1,000lb bear killed at their campsite. Many theorize that this bear was 'Ollie'. Oh sweet irony...'Ollie' was a 'bad' bear and 'bad' bears do bad things...such as kill and eat idiot hippies who fuck with them.
-He would creep within yards of feeding bears and also sows with cubs, talking in a childlike sing-song voice to 'soothe' them. Yep, that really worked when that bear was mauling your hippie ass huh?
-Treadwell camped at the worst time of the year-at the end of the salmon run when bears are desperate to put on weight before hibernation. There was a poor berry crop that year too. Uh not a good idea to be around wild animals when they are 'desperate' and 'hungry'. Did this guy need a fucking flashing neon sign that DANGER DANGER?
-Treadwell purposely camped RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of intersecting bear paths that led to the river. This quote in the Anchorage Daily News says it best-

According to a memo from Alaska Department of Fish and Game biologist Larry Van Daele, Treadwell set up his bear-viewing camp "in such a way that bears wishing to traverse the area would have had to either wade in the lake or walk right next to the tent. A person could not have designed a more dangerous location to set up a camp.''

In videos found at the scene, Van Daele said, Treadwell described "his campsite as (in) a potentially dangerous location, but he expresses his confidence that he understands these bears and they will not harm him.''

Naw, the bears didn't harm him...they only left his head attached to his spine under a pile of mud. They were also considerate enough to stuff his girlfriend mostly-consumed body under a mound of dirt and twigs in the camp so she would easily be found by Park rangers. Wild bears are great.

And what about the idiot girlfriend who was with him? This fool was a Treadwell groupie who tracked him down after watching him on TV. Needless to say, instead of boning this shithouse bearologist, she ended screaming her head off as 'Ollie' did what wild bears do-eat, eat and eat some more.

This fucking moron also stated that if something were to happen to him, he did not want anything to happen to the bear that did it. WTF? This guy was warned over and over again by park authorities that bears that attack humans are almost ALWAYS killed, lest they are emboldened to attack someone else later. Two bears died because of this sorry asshole as a direct result of his dumb ass getting eaten. The head ranger at Katmai National Park even went so far as to tell him

"The last time I saw Timothy, I told him to be safe out there and that none of my staff would ever forgive him if they had to kill a bear because of him,'' she said. "I kind of had a heart-to-heart with him. I told him he was teaching the wrong message.

"This is unfortunate, (but) I'm not surprised. It really wasn't a matter of if; it was just a matter of when.''

When these two fools died, they were going to video-tape the encounter. Treadwell was wearing a mike on his shirt. This tape was found. That's the main way that Rangers were able to piece together this mercy killing. Only the authorities have heard it, but it'll probably end up on the internet soon enough. Hopefully :)

I want to end this post with a quote by our Shithouse Naturalist Who Got Eaten By the Bears And Got His Girlfriend Eaten Too.

'I would be honored to end up in bear scat.'

On the tape he was screaming like a beeyotch. Probably wish you hadn't seen a bear in your life then did you Timothy?